It's never easy, but it's gonna be worth it.

It's never easy trying to build up or maintain a relationship. I know at times things get tough, we all fuck things up but truth is, isn't that what's a relationship is supposed to be like? I know I kept fucking things up these few days, and I'm never gonna do a great job in anything. I know whatever I'm doing is never enough, and I'm as demanding as fuck. But have you ever thought that perhaps, it's time for you to put yourself in my shoes and thought for me? And perhaps it's time for you to stop whatever you doing, just sit down and sort things out and think carefully what you want? From you and from me? I doubt so.

It's never easy for a person like me to stay devoted and faithful in a relationship because I admit, I do have short attention span and it's easy for my feelings for the other party to fade off. I can have crush on quite a lot of people but fact is, I'd never fall for people because I know I shouldn't play around with others' feelings just because I'm unsure of my own feelings. But once I understand clearly what I want and sort all my thoughts out, I would stay devoted and faithful. For very long. Trust me. That's probably why I constantly need care or attention. To me, it's really hard for me to make up my mind and decide if that other party is gonna be worth it or not because people come and go, I don't want you to be another person who'd enter my life and leave again.

So for you, yes I've made up my mind that you're gonna be worth it and I'm really sorry if I fuck things up too easily. At least for now I know you're not gonna be another person who'd enter my life and leave again because I'm confident of it. I'm sorry if I've never done my best or I've never been good enough for you, or anyone.

So right now all I can say is, probably, just probably, I'm not ready for a relationship yet because a lot of things are happening right now. And I've built up walls around me, so I need more time because I'm not even sure if things between us would work out. In the past, I thought with ample trust and care and love, we'd definitely work out. But things doesn't work this way and I've truly learnt a lot of things.

I'm always constantly in need of assurance or whatsoever because truth be told, I'm someone with super low self-esteem and I'm never gonna think highly of myself. I'm never gonna think that I'm someone who'd be good enough, to bring you happiness and all. I have a lot of insecurities and unhappiness building up in me and they're really killing me slowly. And it really sucks to be so pessimistic, having lots of negative thoughts in me. I do get unhappy easily but I think I've been trying very hard to be understanding and thoughtful because compared to my previous relationships, I've been doing a way better job for now. If you really want me to change, you'd have to give me time because you can't expect me to just change right away. This is me and if you can't accept me, then I'm sorry.

And yes, I really need a social life right now. I need to go out and make new friends, I need to have a personal hobby or whatsoever. I have to stop just having only you in my life because this really sucks. I need to stop being so reliant on you and I have to be independent right now.

So all I want to say is, I'm sorry for every single thing that have happened and I really am trying very hard to be "good enough for you". I hope you'd truly understand what I'm going through right now and just.. :-)

Labels: Personal thoughts

22 March 2012 @ 10:24 am / 0 daisies

Keliciatay

It's never easy, but it's gonna be worth it.